Making Excuses for Others

Why do we sometimes make excuses for other people?

I’ve spent a long time trying to figure this one out, and honestly, it took me way too long to really see it clearly. For a long time, I’ve carried this mindset—this tendency to explain away other people’s poor actions, behaviors, or even patterns. I think it came from a place of empathy, of genuinely wanting to believe the best in people. I’ve always tried to find the good, even when the evidence pointed in another direction. I’d tell myself, “Maybe this was just a bad moment,” or “Maybe they didn’t mean it that way.”

But here’s the truth: sometimes it’s not just a moment or a mistake. Sometimes it’s a pattern. A character trait. And learning how to recognize that difference has been a hard but necessary lesson.

I don’t think it’s wrong to care. I don’t think it’s wrong to want to believe in people. But it becomes a problem when we allow that hope to override reality, when we accept behaviors we shouldn’t just because we want to believe someone is better than they’re showing us.

This is where boundaries come in.

My mom always taught me not to be a yes-man. But I’ll admit, I’ve struggled with that when it comes to empathy. I’ve let things slide that I shouldn’t have. I’ve made space for people who didn’t respect mine. And at times, I’ve prioritized people pleasing when it comes to personal relationships. And I’ve realized—it’s not your job to make excuses for someone else. If they need an excuse, let them make it themselves.

You have to learn how to say no. You have to learn that sometimes, people will show you exactly who they are, and when they do, you have to believe them. You don’t have to be rude. You don’t have to be harsh. But you do have to be clear. This is something I am still trying to figure out exactly how to implement in my own life.

So here’s what I’ve learned:
Care deeply, but don’t carry what isn’t yours.
Be kind, but don’t confuse that with being passive. Ask yourself, “has the mold cast”.
Set boundaries, and don’t apologize for them.

Stick to your gut. Making excuses for others only teaches them that they don’t have to take responsibility, and that’s not helping anyone, least of all you.